On Kavanaugh: Are girls listening? I know was.

Some guy just called me a hypocrite on Facebook today. I am outraged at this debacle, so it figures that some middle-aged, white dude called me a hypocrite on Facebook today.

Hypocrite

He explained (mansplained?) to me that my side, being the liberal side, “allowed” Clarence Thomas on the court to for political compromises. He explained to me that my side “allowed” Bill Clinton to get away with it because we, the liberals, conveniently didn’t believe Monica Lewinsky because we wanted to forward our political agenda so badly. He told me I was a hypocrite now because I don’t want Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court and I am using sexual misconduct allegations as a political volleyball for my side.

In summary, I am a hypocrite because I, being a liberal and like all liberals, let sexual misconduct “pass” in 1991 and 1998 to make liberal political gains.

Anita Hill

In 1991, I was 16 years old. I thought my smarts were feminist enough.

I wasn’t into politics yet, but it was hard to escape hearing about the Clarence Thomas confirmation. Worldly news didn’t interest me much and the goings-on in Washington were not top of my interests. However, images of Anita Hill testifying in congress invaded the local news. There were photos of her at the hearings sitting behind microphones. I remember her strange calmness in those images felt powerful.

Like many teenagers, I thought I was worldly and wise. I didn’t follow the specifics of the hearings. I couldn’t tell you who was on the Judiciary Committee or what questions were asked of Hill. Those details didn’t matter to this teen. I have memories of my feelings. There were hushed murmurs in school and with adults about “Sexual Harrassment.”

I didn’t know what that meant, but I believed those “Sexual Harassment” things wouldn’t happen to me. I was 16 years old and smart. Strong-headed and determined, I had a bright and successful future ahead of me. Although I didn’t yet know what I wanted to be when I grew up, I knew I was going to be a career woman. I hungered for the opportunity to work hard, show off my smarts and make a difference.

I couldn’t imagine my future self ending up somewhere that “Sexual Harassment” would happen. I wouldn’t let it happen. I would be smarter. I wouldn’t be caught in such a precarious position. My work and my results would speak for themselves. No one would question whether I deserved my successes and there would be no need for me to tolerate such offenses.

I believed that by the time I was Hill’s age, these things would not happen anymore.

Monica Lewinsky

In 1998, I was 23 years old. I thought my toughness was feminist enough.

It was my last year as an undergraduate. I still was not blatantly political. Although current events existed in my life, they were periphery. However, after four years in engineering school, I had a heightened awareness of gender disparities. I was among the dozen or so women out of more than a hundred graduates from my mechanical engineering class. Although I later earned the distinction cum laude, some male peers I was there only because of affirmative action. As President Bill Clinton was being impeached, I was receiving my acceptance letter to MIT and notification of my National Science Foundation Fellowship.

I knew what “Sexual Harassment” meant, but I still believed those things wouldn’t happen to me. I was 23 years old and still smart, strong-headed and determined. I didn’t put up with shit from anyone, but I felt I certainly would not put up with a man compromising my bright and successful future with sexual harassment. I pitied Monica Lewinsky; her bright and successful future destroyed.

I still couldn’t imagine myself ending up sexually harassed by anyone. My work and my results would speak for themselves. In my future career, I believed I would be judged by my merits and there would never be a need for me to tolerate such offenses. I believed I would work among my peers and they would treat me with respect because I deserved it, because I was smart, because I was their equal.

I believed that by the time I was finished graduate school, these things would not happen anymore.

Christine Blasey Ford

In 2018, I am now 43 years old. I know my voice is still not yet feminist enough.

I no longer work as an engineer, but I am now blatantly political. I rise in the morning to current events and follow the news throughout the day. I march and I protest. Today, I engaged in this exact discussion with several men online, just as I did yesterday and the day before.

My 15 years in technology weren’t as bright and successful as I hoped. I’ve tolerated executives putting hands on my lower back, brushing my hair back and eyeing me up and down. I have gone along and even joked about sexual gestures directed at me. I laughed in a teasing and non-threatening way about comments on my clothing, my ass, my boobs and my sexuality. I put up with human resources telling me “He’s an older engineer and not used to strong, smart women. Can you just be nicer to him?”

I look at the old images of Hill and wonder if when my younger self thought she powerful sitting at that table because I knew she was it took strength to sit calmly as she bullied by a panel of men. I watch recent talks and read articles by Lewinsky. I marvel at her resilience, but I also wonder if the pity my younger self felt for her, felt it because I realized then that she was manipulated by her boss, an older man who abused his power, and she paid heavily for it.

Today, I wonder if there is a 16-year-old girl out there thinking to herself “I can’t imagine my future self ending up somewhere that “Sexual Harassment” would happen.”

I wish I could offer you my usual “Happy Cooking” sign off, but I have a hole in my heart today.